i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
