I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
