It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
bring money and cleavage
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
