just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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