I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
