I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
