Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
