I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
