This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
