i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
