Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
