But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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