I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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