seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
