Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
