If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
