she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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