lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
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If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
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I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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