I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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