How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
