coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
