he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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