lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
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She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
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Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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