Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
