I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
