Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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