at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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