im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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