wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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