Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
We left an ass print on the piano.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
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