Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
