wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
