I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i think we sleep fucked last night...
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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