highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
