i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
