Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
