I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
