We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
