She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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