my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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