she woke up with a sticky ear
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
