My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
