"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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