Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
