I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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