homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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