a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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