we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
