I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Randomize
