Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
