I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
