and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
