I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
