After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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