wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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